My (SPOOF!) Manifesto for the May 2015 UK General Election

I wrote this manifesto as a joke, but ironically it was exactly what the public voted for in the end.

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Education

We will starve Local Education Authority Schools of cash, as only scum go to them, and use the money to build huge brand new ‘Academies’. This will create lots of opportunities for our friends who own construction firms to get lucrative contracts.

Academies will be managed by a private company that runs sausage factories to achieve economies of scale reducing costs. Hundreds of students will stream anonymously through newly carpeted glass-walled atria with tubular chrome steel furniture and banks of computers to arrive at high technology classrooms where a series of unrecognisable supply teachers hired by the day will facilitate the learning experience.

We will supply millions of pounds in tax payers money to any chancer who wants to set up a ‘free school’ so that their children no longer have to mix with the riff raff, or have their minds poisoned by the left-wing ideology of the LEAs with notions such as equality, fairness and sharing. If they stick their hands in the till and use the money to build a conservatory or go on a cruise we’ll look the other way.

Housing

We will restrict the building of new homes while offering generous grants to thousands of first time buyers. This will massively boost the value of all the properties we own, creating an asset price bubble and let us borrow even more massive amounts of cash against them. We’ll be spectacularly rich!

Transport

We aim to invest enough money to put a man on Mars in a single high tech, high speed railway from London to Edinburgh, while starving of all investment the deteriorating commuter services which are failing to get millions of people into the nation’s cities to work on time every morning. This will enable our friend who goes around the world bribing corrupt governments to let him build high speed railways to get very rich! Upper Volta’s already getting a high speed railway, so why should Britain be left behind?

Labour

We will continue to promote the further tertiarization of the economy, as we transform from a ‘productive’, inflexible, high cost structure economy, to a leaner, flexible, service economy based on ‘knowledge’ and ‘creativity’. We will create thousands of ‘creative’, ‘knowledge-based’ jobs for warehouse workers, fast food makers, men with one day hire vans delivering internet shopping, pole dancers, and escort services. Britain will be a truly dynamic nation, the envy of the world.

Taxation

We will continue to wag our finger disapprovingly at giant corporations that pay practically no tax, whilst studiously avoiding reforming the tax regulations to close the massive loopholes that were deliberately put there in the first place. In this way we will get political credit from the public whilst protecting the interests of the big businesses that will reward us with massively overpaid and ridiculously under-worked directorships when we are no longer in office.

The Economy

We will continue to get the Bank of England to print huge amounts of money so we can keep claiming the deficit is improving whilst also cutting taxes and boosting spending when an election is near.

Britain has to learn to compete with China and India. So we calculate we will have to cut average wages to about £7000 per year.

Small Business

We really, really care about small business, but they don’t offer us any massively overpaid and under-worked directorships when we leave politics so what incentive do we have to help them? Really, some people have no idea. They just want something for nothing!

Immigration

We will boost labour market flexibility by flooding the country with unrestricted numbers of impoverished, desperate workers from former communist countries where the economy is dead. This will drive down the pay and conditions of British workers, with lots of zero hours contracts, unpaid training places, and other innovations, so business owners can cut themselves an even bigger slice of the profits cake than ever before.

At the same time we will respond to public concerns by denying these immigrants access to all welfare benefits so they immediately become a massive social problem of rough sleeping, begging and crime.

 

 Entertainment

We will use massive saturation advertising to force online gambling down the throats of some of the nation’s poorest people to get as many of them addicted as possible. This will make all our friends who own these companies very rich! Those facing difficulties paying their debts will be able to get help from our friends’ online pay day loan companies at interest rates of 1200% APR Just think at two o’clock on a Monday morning before you go to work, you can gamble away hundreds of pounds and then borrow it all back in the comfort of your own bedroom, still wearing your pyjamas! Isn’t technology wonderful!

We will get rid of the BBC licence fee so that no one notices what crap, cheap and nasty formats all the programmes on commercial television channels are. We will add five hundred more television channels so that advertising revenues are spread so thinly none of them can afford to make any programmes or hire many staff. Then all you will see are imports from US networks, and box sets of programmes the BBC made twenty years ago, endlessly repeated.

National Security

We will continue to develop the capability to monitor and record for posterity every single electronic communication by every single citizen in the country at all times. We will try to force everyone to connect to the internet and encourage them to use social media to plaster it with all their most sensitive private information, all of which we can see if we want to. Who’s having an affair? Who’s using illegal drugs? Who’s a sex pest? We will see all, collect all and keep all forever just in case we ever need to know about you. Even better we might make loads of money selling the information under the counter. You can sleep safely with us.

International Security

We will continue to work with our Nato partners to start wars, destabilise and overthrow any jumped up little pricks who don’t do what they’re told. We will work towards starting wars with Russia and China to cut these bastards down to size and get them out of our faces.

On the issue of terrorism we will continue to work closely with conservative Sunni Gulf autocracies to boost the region wide blossoming of islamist extremism and the overthrow of progressive nationalist regimes that oppose our foreign policy interests. Our success in destroying a large chunk of North Africa and the Middle East is an encouraging sign, we might be able to invade Iran soon and do the same to it, if you vote for us.

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